Ok, so I am watching The Fellowship of the Rings and looking through DnD books while doing all my install/reinstall stuff. I just got to the scene where Frodo is lying on the ground dying from a Nosgul blade, Aragorn is over him, and insert Arwen.
Arwen: "What's this? a ranger caught off his guard?" Haha little ranger, my Move Silently beat your Listen check! How is that for woman power?
Aragorn: I rolled low. In real life that never would have happened.
Arwen: Ha! I was even riding a horse, and we know horses aren't quiet. Your ranger sucks man, you need to put some ranks into Listen so you don't suck so bad.
Aragorn: Hey, DM, she was on a horse, I should get bonuses for that shouldn't I? I mean a fucking horse--I don't think her Move Silently should work if she is not the one actually doing the walking.
DM: No, I think it should stick. You are stressed because you just made it away from things that can easily kill you and what you see as all hope for mankind. Besides, she is an elf and she is on your side.
Sam: Who cares man, she is hot. Let her sneak up to you if it means you are closer to that.
Aragorn: Fine, whatever. First you up the Heal check on the poison because "it is magical poison" so I can't fix it and now you rape me on my Listen check because I am stressed? This is so lame. Whatever, go on.
DM: I told you when we started this campaign that you can either be a fighter type ranger or a scout type ranger, YOU made the choice not me. Anyways, Arwen, what are you doing?
Arwen: I told you rangers sucked. Oh, I am going to get off of my horse, lean over Frodo and speak elven to him...
Frodo: 'Bout fucking time it got back to me, I am supposed to be the star of this, right?
Sam: ..and what a way back in, an elven downshirt. Ahhh, I love elven hotness. I think his character should drool some.
DM: Um, well, he was already drooling, but that is because of the poison running through his veins. Frodo, make a Will save to see if you stay awake enough to understand Arwen.... Good you pass.
Sam: ...and make another to see if you get a hard one by looking down her dress! haha
Arwen: Autofail! I am a hot elven chick with a sword. Anyways, back to me. I am going to speak elven to Frodo
Frodo: That is kinda dumb. Why elven? I mean, I am a halfling, and you know we both speak common...why not speak in common?
Arwen: 'Cause damnit this is cooler! Now shut up and listen, elven sounds cool.
Frodo: I don't even know elven. Think about it...I AM A HALFLING. My character has never been out of the shire. Most halflings have never been out of the shire. Why the fuck would I know elven? Just speak in common, it is easier.
Arwen: This is why I hate playing with you. You never take into consideration the people you group with. You are always "oh I have this ring... it's so hard to carry this little piece of jewelry" and "I need to wander off alone because it is my mission." You knew you were going to group with an elf, why didn't you take elven?
Frodo: I did take that into consideration... THAT IS WHAT COMMON IS FOR! I only took two languages because it makes sense for me to know those two. Who cares, just say what you have to say IN COMMON.
DM: Ok guys, no inter-party fighting. Frodo, you just pretend she is talking common, and Arwen, you can pretend you are talking elven and he understands.
Sam: ...and I am going to pretend she is naked, and like, ready to do us all, but me first. I hate sloppy seconds.
